Olympic Medals You Never Want to Win
🥇I would like to formally announce that I have qualified for the Chaos Olympics.
Not the glamorous kind.
No podium.
No anthem.
Just… trauma. And cleaning supplies.
🥈 Silver Medal: The Great Hair Powder Massacre of 6:40am.
You know that one product.
The one that actually works.
The one you buy in bulk because the universe has taught you that if you love it, it will be discontinued.
(Still grieving Fresh Brown Sugar perfume. Gone but never forgotten.)
So I have this hair powder. Magical. Covers greys like a dream. You pop the top—no unscrewing involved.
Except today, apparently, I decided to freestyle.
I unscrewed it.
I went to dab my hairline.
And the container dumped its entire soul onto my head.
Friends.
I was brown.
My head.
My face.
My hands.
The sink.
The counter.
My dignity.
It looked like Willy Wonka opened a brunette division.
And because it’s not powder—it’s DYE—it took 40 full minutes to clean. My hair is now wet, brown, and emotionally exhausted. I had to shower before work, which feels aggressive.
Naturally, once my hands were no longer legally classified as hazmat, I texted my BFF.
Her response? “OMG. That’s a gold medal 🥇 next to my paint debacle.”
(flawless design?!?! mess-free?!?!?!)
Which brings us to…
🥇 Gold Medal: The Great Paint Debacle (Undefeated, Possibly Ever)
Picture this**
My best friend is on her treadmill.
Above the treadmill shelf sits a gallon of white paint.
Because why wouldn’t it.
The paint falls.
Hits the moving treadmill.
And explodes.
Like a Jackson Pollock sponsored by Home Depot.
Paint.
On her head.
Her body.
The floor.
The walls.
The ceiling.
Every surface in the spare room.
It was a white apocalypse.
Nothing—and I mean nothing—will ever beat this. World record. Gold medal. Retired champion.
**actual photos at bottom of blog!!!!!
🥉 Bronze Medal: Shannon vs. The Skunk (or… Actually Maybe Silver)
And then there’s Shannon. Again. 🤦♀️😂
Shannon was peacefully on her back step, morning coffee in hand, fully dissociated in TikTok scroll mode, when a skunk emerged from the void and charged her like she owed it money. 🦨
She bolts for the kitchen.
Slips. Falls face-first.
Broken nose. Blood everywhere.
She sent me a photo that looked like she’d been punched by a brick.
It was horrifying.
She ultimately needed a nose job to fix it.
So actually…Let’s be honest.
Shannon might be the real champ.
I’m downgrading myself to bronze.
She takes gold and silver.
Paint debacle remains legendary, but skunk + broken face is elite-level chaos.
Final Standings (Subject to Review)
🥇Shannon Paint Debacle (Unbeatable chaos queen spectacle)
🥈 Shannon & the “Skunk” (Broken nose. Surgery.)
🥉 Stacey. Hair Powder Massacre (Brown. Everywhere.)
If you need me, I’ll be cleaning brown powder out of places it should never be!
