Hot Flashes, Cold Boundaries & the Bio Mom Who Forgot Her Own Kids’ Teachers
Welcome back to Menopause Diary, the only place where hot flashes, stepmomming, and psychological warfare intersect like it’s the Olympics and somehow I keep winning gold medals just for showing up hydrated (on wine).
Today’s entry:
Surviving the Bio Mom Who Has No Custody (and even less self-awareness).
Grab a snack. Or a hormone patch. Or both.
Chapter 1: When the Bio Mom Disappears… and Then Reappears Like an IRS Audit
Let’s set the scene.
For a year and a half, she didn’t just vanish — she went on tour with her addictions and forgot to come home.
Teachers?
Couldn’t name one from the last three years.
Clothing sizes?
Not a clue.
Important milestones?
If she didn’t screenshot it for attention, it didn’t exist.
Meanwhile, I stepped in and quietly became:
the calendar,
the comfort,
the structure,
the adult in the room.
Not because I replaced anyone —
but because the kids deserved someone who actually shows up.
I didn’t steal anyone.
I inherited chaos — and then started rebuilding.
Chapter 2: “Rick Has Changed Since You Came Along.”
She meant it as an insult.
Honestly, it’s the nicest thing she’s ever said.
Yes, Rick has changed:
He:
no longer gets manipulated,
no longer feels responsible for her emotional weather,
no longer falls for the guilt-trips,
no longer accepts chaos as “just how things are,”
no longer dances to the narcissistic playlist she curated in 2014.
He has boundaries.
He has clarity.
He has peace.
If my presence helped him get there?
You’re welcome.
I didn’t change him.
I just handed him the glasses so he could finally see.
Chapter 3: Flying Monkeys, Pawns & The Classic Narcissist Playbook
She vanishes for long stretches…
then swoops in with drama like she’s auditioning for a reboot of Real Housewives: Custody Court Edition.
The kids become:
flying monkeys,
emotional messengers,
bargaining chips,
and scapegoats for problems she created years before I even existed.
Everyone else points fingers.
I quietly clean up the emotional messes I didn’t make.
Not loud.
Not flashy.
But necessary.
That’s what stepmoms actually do.
Chapter 4: “You Don’t Belong in Court.**”
But Please Do All the Parenting Tasks, Thanks.**
This part could be a comedy special.
According to her:
I “shouldn’t be involved” in custody or child support conversations,
shouldn’t attend hearings,
shouldn’t have opinions.
But…
She has no problem asking for:
drop-offs,
pick-ups,
schedule changes,
favors, “just this one little thing because you’re already there…”
(Oh — and my personal favorite — during her “gone gone” era, she once asked if she could sleep on our couch while she “got a few things worked out.” Ma’am… what??)
She wants a two-income household when it benefits her argument…
and a “stay out of it, you’re not the mom” when it doesn’t.
Pick a lane.
Because in my household?
Everything is my lane — including the kids my fiancé has full custody of.
You don’t get to demand my labor while denying my role.
Menopause said no.
Boundaries said absolutely not.
Chapter 5: We Don’t Replace Moms — We Fill Gaps Others Leave Wide Open
People think stepmoms are trying to replace someone.
Bless their hearts.
We’re actually trying to:
support a child without stepping on emotional landmines,
stabilize a tornado we didn’t cause,
offer safety in a loud, chaotic situation,
bring structure where there was none,
build trust from scratch,
give consistency where history didn’t.
We don’t steal roles.
We fill gaps.
We don’t replace mothers.
We add love where it’s desperately needed.
Our work is quiet —
but kids feel it for a lifetime.
Chapter 6: I’m Not the Villain. I’m the Boundary.
Narcissists hate boundaries because boundaries don’t dance.
But boundaries are necessary.
I’m not the villain of her story.
I’m simply:
the “no” she can’t manipulate,
the calm she can’t provoke,
the clarity she can’t rewrite,
the structure she never created,
the presence she can’t erase.
I’m the boundary.
And without boundaries?
Chaos wins.
Not on my watch.
Chapter 7: The Legacy I’m Actually Building
I’m shaping:
how they define safety,
what stability feels like,
what healthy adults act like,
how rules work,
how showing up matters,
what consistency looks like.
I am not here to replace DNA.
I’m here to shape destiny.
I’m the soft place.
The steady place.
The safe place.
Even when menopause tries to melt me alive,
I remain the calmest presence in their entire world.
That is the real legacy.
Final Thought: You’re Not the Problem.
You’re the Pattern She Never Planned On.
And maybe the first one who stopped participating in her chaos.
You didn’t break anything.
You didn’t steal anyone.
You didn’t start this story.
But you are absolutely influencing how it ends.
Bonus Section: Grey-Rocking a Narcissist 101 (Menopause Edition)
Otherwise Known As: Responses to Cunt Bag
Welcome to the advanced course in Grey Rock Communication, where the goal is to be as emotionally stimulating as a beige filing cabinet during a power outage.
When dealing with a narcissist, the only winning move is not to play — and sometimes, menopause gives you exactly the level of zero energy required to play dead convincingly.
Here are my favorites — approved for co-parenting documentation and effective enough to deplete a narcissist’s fuel source within minutes:
The Classics
I’m not available to discuss this further.
I’ve noted your request. The schedule remains the same.
I’ve noted your opinion, and I’ve provided my answer. This matter is now settled from my side.
That’s not my recollection, but I’m not going to debate it.
I’m done participating in this conversation.
These are the textual equivalent of sliding a “CLOSED” sign across a customer service counter.
The Respect-Only Lane
I’ll respond when the conversation is respectful.
I’m not engaging in back-and-forth on this.
This isn’t a productive direction. I won’t continue this conversation.
A polite way of saying: “Lower your volume or exit the chat.”
When She Starts Performing Olympic-Level Mental Gymnastics
Your perspective is noted; my decision remains unchanged.
We see this differently. There’s nothing more to discuss.
I’m not responsible for your interpretation.
Translation: “I don’t live in your delusion, sweetie.”
The Co-Parenting Gatekeepers
I will only respond to messages related to the kids.
This is outside the scope of co-parenting communication.
If you have information related to the children, I’ll respond to that.
This topic isn’t related to the kids, so I’m ending the conversation here.
These are particularly effective against chaos disguised as “concern.”
The Communication Boundaries
Text keeps things documented and reduces conflict. This is the only communication method I’ll be using.
For clarity and consistency, I will communicate by text only.
If you feel something is too detailed for text, you may leave a voicemail and I will determine if a call is necessary.
This shuts down her “we need to talk in person” ambush attempts & fake emergencies to get your attention and supply.
Bonus Bonus Section: The Lane Quotes — For When She Swerves Into Your Life Again
These deserve their own wall plaque.
Quiet, firm, surgical
Everything in my household is my lane. What’s not is you.
Everything here is in its lane. You’re the one who isn’t.
My household is entirely my responsibility. You are outside that lane — intentionally.
Stylish, confident
My household is my lane — every part of it. The only thing that’s not in my lane is you.
Everything in my home is under my control. The one thing that isn’t my lane is you, and I’m keeping it that way.
Cold door shut
Everything here is my lane. What’s not my lane is you, and that’s where it ends.
Everything in my house is my lane. You aren’t.
Petty, but quietly so (the best kind)
Everything in my house stays in its lane. Funny how the only one swerving all over the road is you.
My household knows how to stay in its lane. The one flailing in the breakdown lane? You.
Everything here is in its lane. You’re the one wandering into traffic.
These are perfect for your inner monologue, your blog voice, or your group chat —
not for actual texts, unless you want fireworks and a court date.
But damn, do they hit.
Wrap-Up: Grey Rock Is a Lifestyle, Not a Technique
Grey rocking isn’t about being cold.
It’s about being unavailable to her drama.
You’re not withholding emotion.
You’re withholding supply.
And with a narcissist?
That’s the ultimate power move.
